Communication

We Communication Skills are key in all steps of F.L.A.M.E..

We use communication skills while finding out about a situation, and especially when listening.

When interacting with participants, we first focus on Communication skills, and then can integrate Mediation Skills.

Communication when Interacting with Participants: Overview

Being able to communicate clearly and effectively is an important part of any interaction, and particularly when mediating.

We communicate by Thinking, Talking, Rephrasing, Listening, and De-escalating.

What is Communication? The exchange of information. Parts of it are or can be:

The words used in a message

How the message is transmitted (paper, face-to-face, or by radio)

Asking for validation of messages transmission (“Did you mean…”, or “Confirmed. You need first aid at the bug”)

Communication is not just speaking - it’s both speaking and listening. One-way communication is no communication at all. Make sure to listen and understand the others’ needs and points of view. Which of the listening styles from training is appropriate for each situation?

Communication is a complex process. Differing perceptions may cause difficulties in the communication of ideas and information.

Thinking

Before you talk, you need to pause and think about what you want to communicate. It may be helpful to ask yourself a series of questions to help you figure this out. These include questions like:

• "What do I want to have happen here?"
• “What more info do I need?” (Determining if someone is at their camp or finding out why someone is speaking loudly)
• “What do I want these people to do?” (Be mindful of requests vs. demands for action)
• “What extra resources do I need?” (Requests for help from participants, Asking Khaki to send medical help)

Think through ways you might talk, listen, rephrase, and deescalate.

Talking

Attitude

When talking be relatable and polite. The word “Please” does wonders! Always make sure to introduce yourself.

Express that you are there to help. Be aware of how you may be perceived as an authority figure.

Examine your possible biases and personal assumptions about the issues you’re communicating. Disclose your own interests and agendas. The receivers will quickly tune out if they suspect that you have a hidden agenda. By being authentic, you will gain credibility, which is essential for effective communication.

Clarity

If your message is not clear, or if it can be interpreted in more than one way, it will leave the receivers wondering about what you mean. Make sure that your message is clear and unambiguous.

Your communication can be effective only when received in a language the receivers can understand. You need to speak not in your own language or style of thinking but in the language and style of thinking of the receivers. Understand their educational level and their demographics and communicate to them accordingly.

KISS (Keep It Short and Simple)

Even when communicating in the language of the receivers, you can still lose them if you overload them with too much information or overly complex ideas. Use the KISS principle (Keep It Short and Simple).

Timing

In effective communication, timing is critical. For example, a message of praise and recognition should not come too late after the fact or it will lose its effectiveness. “Better late than never” may be true, but a timely message is the best.

Silence

Sometimes, the best way to communicate is by not talking. Silence can be comfortable or uncomfortable and both can be useful in the right situation. Sometimes silent companionship is all that someone needs if they're stressed out. Uncomfortable silence can be a useful tool for getting people to think about what they've been saying or get them to talk more.

Non-Verbal Communication

We communicate a great deal with tone of voice and body language. See section on de-escalation for body language.

Non-Verbal communication includes:

• Facial expressions
• Tone of voice and other "paraverbal" communication (HOW we say what we say) such as volume, rate of speech, and inflection)
• Movements
• Appearance
• Eye contact

The more stressed and individual may be:

• the less able they are to process verbal information effectively
• the more reliant they become on non-verbal communication

Phrasing

As you listen to participants explain their perspective you’ll want to respond without agreeing or appearing to contradict what they are saying. Eliminating contradiction avoids confrontation without conceding the point. Here are some tips for doing this:

• “Yes, but …” will lead to argument. Try “Yes, and …” or just “Yes.”. For example:
  • “I love you but I’m upset with you” vs. “I love you and I’m upset with you”
  • “I’m not going to do that” vs. “You’re right, and I can’t figure out how to make that work” vs. “You’re right. Can you show me how it could work?”
• "Wait, I think I might have misunderstood you...” works better than “No, you’re wrong.”
• “Hang on, maybe I wasn’t being clear...” works better than “No, that’s not what I said.”

Finally, help create more options. Often, when people get riled up, options seem to disappear. Offering more options (or helping them think of options themselves) can calm someone down. People without options can feel trapped. Listening and clarifying the real issues is important to help generate solutions that resolve the issue.

Questions: Open & closed

Also think about the types of questions you’re asking.

Open-ended questions invite more participation and detail from speaker. Examples of open ended questions include: "What are you up to today?" and "How's your Burn going?".

On the other hand, closed-ended questions invite a yes/no or factual answer. Examples of close-ended questions include “Do you understand?” and "How old are you?".

Both types of questions are useful in the right context. Open-ended questions encourage free communication. Closed-ended can decrease the level of engagement, which can be useful if you want the person to focus, slow down or be less chatty.

Avoid negativity when possible

Try to avoid using “yes, but...” It can negate everything that came before it. Instead, trying using “Yes, and...” to connect ideas.

Most people don’t like negative communication and bad news. Passive, weak, or negative communication will turn people off. Even the most negative, critical, or difficult communication will be better received when presented in a positive, affirmative style. Instead of saying, “This is a terrible idea,” try, “Tell me how we can make this idea work.”

Listening

When listening try to listen honestly in the moment, acknowledging the person you’re speaking with. It is also beneficial to read what they are saying emotionally as well as what words are said. Sometimes it’s helpful to use active listening.

Active Listening

Active Listening is a communication tool in which the speaker restates or rephrases what they have heard in their own words to confirm understanding of the communication.

De-escalation

The final element in communication is de-escalation. De-escalation techniques are used to calm people down--which is sometimes the most helpful intervention in a situation. De-escalation can be useful for yourself as well as the participant you’re dealing with.

Start with de-escalating yourself

You’ll need to start by de-escalating yourself if you find yourself feeling overwhelmed or charged by a situation. Remember that we want to be calm when approaching situations. You want to calm people with your presence and actions, not by telling them to calm down. It’s hard to get people to calm down if you’re acting anxious or angry. It also doesn't help to tell someone to calm down. If you need to slow a situation down, stop and take a deep breath and think about what you want to do.

Then de-escalate others, if possible

Once you’ve de-escalated yourself you’ll want to de-escalate those around you. Separate arguing people. Ideally, get them out of each other’s sight (while maintaining sight of your partner). Tip: if the participants are back-to back, you and your partner can be facing each other.

De-escalation Techniques using Body Language

When interacting with someone who is upset, your non-verbal communication may be the most valuable tool you have:

• Non-threatening stance: Stand or sit 45 degrees vs. face-to-face, leaving sufficient personal space, usually about an arm and a half (Easy rule: Can I see your feet? If I can’t, I’m too close.)
• Sit down: Especially if a person is agitated, it can be helpful to sit down.
• Leave an exit: Position yourself so that both you and the participant can leave.
• Open posture: Stand or sit without arms or legs crossed or closed, if possible.
• Pacing and leading: match speaker's speed/energy, then gradually slow/calm down.
• Relax: People have a tendency to synchronize their mood and tone with those around them. If you project a relaxed, calm and confident presence, it can be helpful in influencing the other person to be calm as well.
• Break state: do anything else (go for a walk, re-lace your boots, eat something, ask irrelevant questions)
• Eye contact: enough to show you’re paying close attention, not so much that you seem threatening (especially with an angry participant)
• Writing down: keeps your facts straight and lets participant know you’re taking it seriously (remember to ask permission)
• Touch: Be very cautious and use your best judgment. (Touching a participant can calm them down or can make things much, much worse.)

De-escalating Techniques Using Words

Some verbal communication techniques can help de-escalate an upset person as well. Active listening is particularly helpful.

• Define emotions: Help the person to define what they are feeling. For example, you can say “I understand that you are upset” or “It sounds like you’re really angry about this.”

Disengaging from the situation

If the conflict is not resolving, it can be tempting to do more. Don’t. Do less. Step back, slow down, think more, listen more carefully, talk less. One reason it can be tempting to do more is that your ego gets involved. It can be hard to accept that you can’t help, or that you don’t know what to do or say, but you don’t want to admit defeat. When you notice this happening, kick it sideways. Get your partner to take over, or call Khaki and ask for another pair of Rangers or a shift lead. If you notice your partner getting over-involved or overwhelmed, kick your partner sideways and see if you can help out (for instance, by tapping him/her on the shoulder and saying, “Hey, you’re wanted on the radio. Could you come over here for a sec?”